The 17 hour Surgery performed by a team of 18 Doctors and Nurses on 6.6.2017 was a pharyngolaryngectomy. It was in two parts closely coordinated. Removal of my larynx (voice box) which had tumour attached to it and then the removal of a large section of tissue from my upper thigh with which they created a new oesophagus, or foodpipe, (because there was so much damaged and scarred tissue left from when I had radiotherapy from a previous neck cancer in 2008-2009) . I was in hospital for over three weeks - I went into ICU for two days which was really horrid . I was completely scared the whole time and just cried at this strange, large contraption coming out of my neck which I breathed from. I finally escaped from there and was put onto the ward. I will add that of course at the time I could not talk at all, so really felt very vulnerable and frightened.
So I took this small knitted soldier into hospital with me for my stay. For me, he symbolises strength and determination. He was small enough to fit in my pockets so no-one knew I had him. In a strange way I looked up to him to help me when feeling terrible and in pain and helpless and hopeless. Fearful of what the heck was ahead of me.
At first I wasn’t really caring for myself. I heavily relied on others, support from family and particularly my wonderful supportive friends who came to see me regularly in hospital and helped anyway they could . I communicated with scribbling on a small whiteboard . I stayed as independent as practically I could then and now. I like to do things for myself and get flustered if I can’t!
Losing your voice is fundamentally challenging. It part of our makeup to naturally talk to each other . But what’s the point of sitting there day-in-day - out with all your focus and attention and time spent on “oh poor me - I may as well just sit here and fester with it.” Nope, that’s not for me. That just creates another problem, possibly serious mental health issues too. You get what you get and you don’t get upset - is a motto I’ve adopted of late. Don’t get me wrong, I still have very down days, weeks even. But there are others worse than me out there. To date, my biggest daily battle is to eat. I struggle to get food down me. I deal with stuck food daily. I don’t have the muscle in my food pipe that others do. Muscles to push and squeeze food down into the stomach. I have gravity only… so unfortunately my main diet is very very wet , sloppy even :face_with_diagonal_mouth: food.
The Nepal trip was 2018 and in many ways a failure. When I got back I admitted it was too soon after the surgery and I was not strong enough physically or mentally to endure the harsh temperatures in the foothills of Everest. It wasn’t the altitude so much that gets to many on the trip but the cold. I’ve never, never known the extreme cold like it nor ever want to again. I had these horrible painful body cramps. The doctor said it’s where your extremes start shutting down because your blood just wants to get to the heart, to keep going. They told me that if I didn’t give up the attempt to reach Base Camp I would be in serious danger. But it was an experience nonetheless and the Sherpas were fantastic and so helpful to everyone. I do think the planning for this big trip , looking back , was part of my recovery from the surgery. It gave me drive and strength to get ready for this challenge which I’ve always wanted to do.
I’ve had so much bad stuff in my life : terrible messy divorce, custody battle, pregnancy with the father leaving me, family disowning me now, and stage 4 cancer twice: all that has left me here. No one is interested in me, nor should they be because everyone in life has their own issues, struggles and challenges: you just have to get through. You have to. There is no choice not too.
My philosophy is get through and be the best you can be. Stay well . Engage with others often. Enjoy what you have. Hey, I’m still here and still rocking.